my heart whispers, “yes, yes, yes”.

When I say “no” and convince myself that I’m too tired to keep running, my heart whispers, “yes, yes, yes”.

And when I start thinking that I don’t deserve to win or get better, my heart says, “win against time because time demands the most humility”.

When I run my best, I make time slow down, and then win against it.

And when I reach outside of myself (and abandon the “no”s and my fears), I make time slow down and I win gracefully, like a bird skimming the surface of the water.

13 December 2016

It’s cool to be confident (and to be a land fish)!

I am a confident person and I am cool.

But I wasn’t always very confident, particularly in high school. Or, at least if I was in the teeniest bit, I didn’t like to be.

I loved to hide out in my room and never say anything in class and let people tell me that I could never run fast, that I could never succeed in taking a heavy course load because (apparently) I am on the autism spectrum and would be overwhelmed. I let the haters hate and the blabbermouths blabber. And I let this negative tape play in my mind day after day when I couldn’t concentrate or think and felt like an air-breathing fish stuck in the water, over, and over, and over, in my head. I tried to justify my hiding.

fullsizerender-copy-18

I told myself that I was different, I told myself that I could not do anything I put my mind to, I told myself that the untruthful, dishonest words were right.

Each day became a battle for air in an ocean ten miles high with fish and more fish with too many mouths. Too many mouths, too many words, I let the words anchor me down in my place as different. I was different; I was incorrigible; I was wrong; all the words they told me were right.

fullsizerender-copy-20

a⋅self-ful⋅fill⋅ing⋅proph⋅e⋅cy (n)– a fish with air gills is submerged in an ocean of water ten miles high and ten miles deep. exasperated, it tries to reach for air, only to be told that, “well, you’re a fish, you don’t need air,” and that if the fish did, then they weren’t going to get any of it. because the others reason from their own experiences, that a fish has to stay in the sea and live life at whatever depth they belong. “fish belong in water and nowhere else,” they trumpet. so the fish stays in the water, and is unhappy, and cannot swim very far until they are deemed asthmatic and dysfunctional.

For a long while the self-fulfilling prophecy held true- I was an unhappy, air-breathing fish stuck in an ocean of all the swim swam swum people who loved the water. I stayed quiet and kept to myself and stopped being fantabulously floppy and air-breathing.

fullsizerender-copy-21

This was, until, the tree of wishes appeared one very fine day at the great big swim swam swum fishes celebration. And one of the blabbermouths asked me, “say, have you written your wish yet for the tree?”

Weary of the water, I wrote my wish:

my wish for the tree
my wish for the tree

I wished that it was okay to be different, I wished that I could be different, I wished that I could be all of myself, and that in being all of myself, I would be accepted, and I would be able to change how the world saw all fish- air-breathing, water-breathing, rainbow-scaled, gray-scaled, all fish the same. I wished to tell the world that a⋅self-ful⋅fill⋅ing⋅proph⋅e⋅cy (n) could be erased from the great big ocean’s lexicon all together.

wish (n)– something fish want to change or do, but don’t know how to go about changing or doing it.

I had a wish, and I had no idea how to grant it and make it true.

fullsizerender-copy-19

Until I did.

On a horrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I granted it.

I spoke to some swim swam swum keeper fish of the great ocean.

I told them that I would no longer stand for my quiet, and that I would no longer breathe in the water that hurt my lungs and left me more and more hungry for acceptance (and air).

I decided that I would prove them wrong.

And for once, in their gibberish, they were quiet. And they left in a great wave of frustration and intolerance for air-breathing fish.

I was left standing. I was left breathing, gulping in air.

The noise in my head was gone, the negative tape was frayed and irreparable.

I was free to be a land fish. I was free to be all of myself.

fullsizerender-copy-22

I had dared to be me: I told the blabbermouths that my words, though different, were honest and truthful and right. I had stood up to the mumbled jumbled jargon and spoken for myself.

And I thought I had no idea how to speak like me, I thought that it was impossible for me to find a place to belong as this air-breathing fish that is me.

Until tonight, until I sat down to write in this great big world full of water and air, I did not realize that I was truly different simply because I had dared to seek my wish; I had dared to fight all the noise and the static still heaviness of the ocean; I had dared myself to be cool and confident in a way that I could only be for myself, and that the swum swam swimmers told me I could never be.

It is fantabulous to be confident and cool.

I am confident and cool.

Now I can breathe,

and I am free

to be all of me.